It's my birthday.

I'm just a little nostalgic today.

This birthday was off to a rough start. Having a July birthday, I've never had to go to school on my birthday. When I was younger, this was a major cry fest pity party. ALLL of my friends got to have their birthdays during the year and bring cupcakes to school and get so much attention! It was so unfair for elementary-aged Jackie. Since I've gotten older, it's been a luxury. I've always asked for work off so I could shop until I dropped or lay by the pool for far too long. So today, for the first time ever, I had school because of the semester from H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Not only did I have school, I had a test and a presentation at school. Happy birthday to me. I got a terrible grade and too little sleep and then came home and ate too much candy with the excuse of "it's my birthday". And now I'm sitting here watching Men Tell All, which I would love on any regular Monday night, but not my birthday Monday night. I'm 24.

I'm 24. What?! I look at little 18-year-old me, who was perfectly in shape from dancing 24/7 (hence the nationals t-shirt, that I had just gotten back from), gorgeously tan (a perk of the beach trip after nationals), and pretty without make-up first thing in the morning, and I wish I was still her. I wish I had been able to spend more than two days in the sun this summer. I wish my legs still looked like that. I wish I was confident enough to go make-up free. In some ways, I wish I could go back.

But looking back on years 18 through 23, I've had so many experiences. Some that I would throw away in a heartbeat, yes, but some that have lead me to where I am. And although I can easily become discouraged and feel like I haven't lived up to my 24 years and I'm not where I think I should be when I compare myself to all these little Provo girls (which is a trap by the way, don't do it), I can also see how much I've accomplished and how much is still in front of me. I'm about to be a teacher, for goodness sake! Twenty-five little second graders at my command.....okay but really, I get to shape those little people and watch them grow. And 18-year-old me didn't know how awesome that would feel. And like, hopefully find the love of my life at some point and marry the crap out of him so we can move to California and be little beach lovers and then move back to Texas when we're ready to have the cutest little blonde babies ever. Or something like that. Just a thought.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is....bring it on, 24.

"I Will Not Leave You Comfortless"

This past week was one for the books. 

I never saw it coming and hit me head-on last Monday. Hard. Every day brought a new problem with it, along with a new handful of worries. I'm a worrier by nature, but usually about small things. If I put off my homework too long I worry about being up too late. I worry about not having enough hours at work, but not having enough time off. I worry about running out of gas because I drive with the gas light on for a day too long. I even worry about having too many Diet Dr. Pepper's in one day. This week I would have given anything for the small things. Everything piled up, one thing after another after another. The worry consumed me. 

I was constantly overwhelmed and trying as hard as I could to keep it together. Another thing came up that was actually a good thing, just with the most terrible timing. I knew I would have to depend on others, which is something that I had never truly done before. I pride myself in my independence, and for the first time I couldn't do it on my own. I've never thought of myself as a prideful person, but this week it was apparent that I needed to humble myself. Not only that I needed to, but that I had to. Midweek I attended Institute, which is basically a set of religion classes that my church offers for young adults. That day, after crying for too long over things out of my control, I knew I needed to be spiritually uplifted. Sure enough, we talked about the feelings the adversary instills in us, pride being one of them. I felt so guilty asking people for help. They didn't owe me anything. I'm a big girl, I should be able to do this on my own. I tried to refuse the help and the promptings to accept it, until I realized that I wasn't being humble at all- I was holding on to my pride. 

I'm usually such a positive and happy person, which is why being this upset caught me so off guard. I can't remember the last time I felt such despair and anxiety before this past week. Just as I didn't want to ask others for help, I also didn't want to ask my Father in Heaven. I didn't want to admit that I needed His help. As the week (and the problems) kept progressing, a scripture from John kept coming to mind, when Jesus was preparing his followers for his absence for a time. "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18). Over and over this verse would surface, an echo in my head that He would help me. A reminder that I have the Spirit, the Comforter, with me. A prompting to ask.

Around Easter I stumbled across this photo of Christ in my newsfeed. I had never seen it before and thought it was beautiful, but this week it took on a deeper meaning in my life. I was looking at different pictures of Christ when this one came up again, and someone had written "Christ weeps with us". I had done more than my fair share of weeping over the week. All that time, my Savior wept with me. He could never leave me comfortless. He was aware of my anxiety and worry, and he knew all of my concerns. He provided people to help me make it out on the other side. He cared for me and gave me hope that it would get better.  

Photography by Mark Mabry

"Everything is going to work out, just continue to have faith." My dad told me that this week, and I know that is what my Heavenly Father wanted me to do as well. He will NEVER fail me or forsake me. As difficult as it was and as helpless as I felt, I was never entirely alone.

"Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome. From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: 'I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.' Such comfort is priceless. Our Heavenly Father, Who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we much pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were- better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."

-Thomas S. Monson